Tuesday, 5 June 2007

Tag



I have been ‘tagged’ by the lovely Dulwich Mum. This means I’m supposed to write 8 interesting things about myself. As my next culinary offering is still in the oven, I have obliged, using the term 'interesting' rather loosely…

I have a book-smelling fetish. You have to open the book, bury your nose right down to the crease where the staples are and inha-a-ale. Gorgeous. It’s only books with smooth and shiny pages that smell this way. It’s probably a carcinogen that smells so delightful, but I have to take my kicks where I can.

I am not in the habit of carrying a diary as grown-up women are supposed to. If I have to remember something I swap my rings around and put them on the wrong fingers. This works for a limited amount of times, then becomes extremely confusing as I cannot remember why the solitaire diamond is on the three-diamond ring finger, or why my mother’s wedding ring is stuck halfway up my thumb.

I am a PADI Advanced Open Water Diver. However my last bout of diving was so long ago I would make a very dangerous diving buddy; don’t let me check your gear before we tumble backwards off the boat. Highlights of my diving career include the very un-PC wreck-diving in the Philippines, (I understand military types refer to them as ‘war graves’) and being charged repeatedly by a trigger fish in Thailand as I tried to qualify as an Open Water Diver. My kind Dive Instructor ignored the part of the dive where I sat on the bottom hyperventilating in terror, and chose to pass me on my prowess at buoyancy control and on my sexy curves in a shorty wetsuit. (It was pre-children, they were curves not bulges)

I used to own a very old Datsun, donated by my Father. With the help of some arty friends I did a marvellous paint job on it, with flowers and my name on the door. When I am rich and famous I shall buy another and pay someone to paint it like the Scooby Doo Mystery Machine. I shall pay someone else to make me look like Daphne.

I can juggle with three balls, and very briefly with four. My finest juggling moment was in a private room at a Mongolian restaurant. There were lots of eggs on the table for us to crack into our Mongolian hotpot. I decided it was the perfect opportunity to display my juggling prowess to my happy, drunken friends. I started the juggling display and brought the house down when one of the eggs flew up and simply disappeared. It had gone up into a huge extractor funnel that was hanging over the table, and had lodged itself neatly on an unseen shelf. Big respect for the Pig that night.

I once brought traffic to a standstill in China. One night after emerging from a bar I took my place on the traffic podium that is in the middle of big Chinese crossroads. The policeman who normally directed the traffic was long gone. It took me about 10 minutes to cause a gridlock of fantastic proportions. Not only did they stop because I was waving my arms in an authoritative manner, but also because I was a grinning, blonde foreigner shouting at them in Mandarin. I was having enormous fun when a black car with tinted windows inched its way to the podium. The tinted windows rolled down and from the backseat a man clad in the green uniform of a ‘very important military type’ fixed me with a hard stare. Beijing airport flashed before my eyes, me holding a one-way deportation ticket. I did the only reasonable thing and with a winning smile I waved him on shouting in my best Mandarin, ‘keep moving! Move it along! Quick! Quick!’. He stared in disbelief, cracked a smile and amazingly, moved along.

I have given birth naturally to three of my four piglets. I have done this with the aid of the gas, Entinox. I know its technical name because I have tried to buy it on the internet and have it delivered to my home for personal use. I fly as high as a kite on Entinox and have very vivid hallucinations. During my first labour I was convinced I was diving – something to do with the mouthpiece and all that slow breathing. When the midwife told me to hold my breath and push I flatly refused as the first rule of diving is to NEVER hold your breath underwater.

I had a ringside seat in the stadium during the 1992 Barcelona Olympics and watched the American 4x4 relay team power home to win a world record. I was sitting in the Press seats and after the team had cavorted in front of me draped in the US flag (for the cameras, not really for me), one of them hurdled the barrier and ran up the steps towards me. He had not been captivated by my beauty, but was heading up to do an interview with the American reporters behind. As the mass of sweat-glistening rock hard muscle passed me by I breathed in very deeply. It was a very moving experience.

So, that’s me all talked out, what a long post and no pretty pix I’m afraid. If they will permit me and are in the mood for a game of tag, I pass on the tagging burden to: Stay at Home Dad, Drunk Mummy, Brom Man, Lizzie and New Mum in Town
Pigx

22 comments:

lady macleod said...

Oh my piggy I think you can qualify as "interesting" my dear! wow.
I have the book thing too! I thought no one else did that, it works especially well with textbooks for school.
I love all of it but the traffic directing in china is my favorite.
I must say this has changed my mental picture of you!

Pig in the Kitchen said...

Lady M, glad that someone else sniffs books, I have to do it quite furtively or you do get strange looks. Directing traffic in china is probably one of my finer moments. I do hope the mental picture is still (?) a positive one!
Pigx

Brom said...

ME!!? OH Nooooo

Great compilation, love the traffic duty experience!

I know what you mean, I sometimes find the smell of newly printed magazines is quite distracting.

I agree with Lady mac, mental pic has changed quite a bit since my first comment.

Suffolkmum said...

Oh God I do the ring thing too! Lovely post.

mutterings and meanderings said...

You have had a life me dear!

Very impressed with the diving.

Drunk Mummy said...

Great list Pig!
Loved your Barcelona Olympics story, but the Chinese traffic one definitely takes the biscuit! You are a real globe-trotter (no pun intended!).

debio said...

Great list, PITK. The traffic directing in China item is absolutely brill; perhaps you could come here and instruct the local police force?

Pig in the Kitchen said...

Hello Brom, no, the tagging isn't obligatory, if it's too hot for you and you'd rather sit in the shade instead of run around, I can understand that perfectly. You're right, magazines DO have that smell, now I would expect you to know exactly which chemical was used to create the smell, can you oblige?!

Suffolk Mum, wow, you really change your rings? I have never met anyone else who does it...were we separated at birth perhaps?

M&M, my life is feeling a bit boring at the moment, perhaps it's time for some more diving...or perhaps rock climbing. Lady M's recent post made me want to climb again...

Drunk Mummy, thank-you, but I cannot boast rowing for Britain in the under 23's category! Those men at the Olympics were like gods, it was such a privilege to be so close to such toned muscles. Drool.

Debio, I narrowly escaped being arrested once, wouldn't they chop off my hands in Oman for a similar offence?! Why don't you land your helicopter in the middle of the road, that would stop them. (you could then do that thing with your hair and helmet that I mentioned!)
Pigx

Brom said...

Thanks for the option, I'm still thinking things through. Let's see what I come up with.

As for the smells, don't ask me. You need a chemist, and I ain't one of them strange people!

Lizzie said...

Dear pig, crikey another tag decision! I turned down dj's tag because I couldn't face the responsibility! - mainly of choosing a list of taggees but also because nothing interesting came to mind to list about my life.

I feel v. honored and please may I think about it?

P.S. I too can juggle 3 balls badly & 4 v. briefly.

Pig in the Kitchen said...

Lizzie, oh please don't stress! I say reject it out of hand as a silly idea! (i also found it rather difficult, I will be turning down any future taggers! politely of course)
Pigx

Marianne said...

Lovely interesting things PITK, but surely once is enough for anyone. I too thought I wouldn't go there, but once I started it became easy.

Love the traffic incident - you were lucky not to spend the rest of your days in a chinese jail.

Where were you when I got stuck on that roundabout on the A2?

Pig in the Kitchen said...

Marianne, I still marvel at the stupidity of youth and why I thought I could get away with rule breaking in a Communist country!

I would gladly have helped you out on the roundabout, a firm wave of the arm here, a stern halt there, we'd have got you out in a jiffy!

Tom Larson said...

Found this post after looking for Diving info, before I go away in a few weeks to learn myself, and got sucked into reading the lot!

Needless to say the rest of the office (which is usually dead quiet) all thought I was nuts when I started laughing!

-----
Tom
Sales Manager
http://www.cheaphandtowels.co.uk

james.davis said...

You may well have inspired me to go diving...never done it and always had a bit of fear, but guess thats what makes you a stronger person...

James

CCTV

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Robert Grieves said...

How long since you last dived?
I find its one of those things that you never really forget or lose your love for :)

Great post, well done.

Rob
UK Crime Prevention

Pat Butcher said...

This has given me bags of laughter reading through your travelling posts though china...

keep them coming :-)

Frank

Billy Dean said...

Great blog. Seems like youve had some interesting situations on your travels.

Billy

Pig in the Kitchen said...

Dear Bastard Spammers who have found my blog,

Piss off, I'm not interested in your inane comments and links to crap websites.

Pig

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