Tuesday, 1 May 2007

Guacamole (egg-free, dairy-free gluten-free)


We have a problem with moles. More specifically my husband has a BIG problem with moles.

Every time he goes into the garden I see the curly vein in his temple start to throb. He paces up and down and starts to mutter.
Look at it! Look at the mess they are making of the garden. Little furry wa… he catches sight of a passing child …wasters.’


When it comes to mowing the lawn, the molehills cause him to lurch up and down on the ride-on lawnmower. He stops occasionally, gets off the mower and stares intently at the piles of earth. He is thinking very bad thoughts.

Without wishing to annoy you with my political views, my husband and I do not believe in war. We believe that there must be other ways. At least, I still believe that. I have watched in horror as my husband declares war on the moles. Perhaps this anti-war stuff has been a front. Perhaps all this vegetarian, animal-loving stuff has also been a front. He has embraced the combat as one who has always wanted his moment at Sandhurst.

He started off with barbaric metal traps. He would lie face down in the grass, legs wide apart, and with stealth and cunning carefully place the device in the mole’s trench. He would then wriggle backwards, still flat on the ground, using his elbows to propel himself. His face streaked with mud, only the whites of his eyes visible.

The traps didn’t work and the moles’ inexorable advance continued, the Maginot Line now well behind them.

The other day I heard a commotion and saw my husband sprint past the back door. Adrenalin had lent his legs a surprising speed and his face was set and grim but his eyes were excited. He glanced at me, and I promise you he yelled,
Fire in the Hole!’ He had turned to poison gas. A little later he appeared at the back door and leant weakly on the jamb. I half expected him to fall to the floor, clutch himself and groan, ‘I’m hit’. Turns out he’d forgotten to don his anti-chemical suit and had got a whiff of gas.

I have tried to point out that when you live in the country, perhaps you should live and let live. It seems that is now akin to appeasement and look where that got us in 1939. Just because we live in the land of the cheese-eating surrender monkeys, there is apparently no longer any need to embrace their politics. He wants some Freedom fries with a bit of smoked mole on the side.

I have retreated to the home front. I sit at home and worry. I occasionally knit blankets and socks. I write, I think of those poor creatures in the war and I cook. Thankfully avocados have not been rationed.

Cheeky Guacamoley (Serves 2 hungry adults)

Because of the chilli flakes, this has quite a cheeky kick to it. I'm sure the moles would approve.

2 large Hass avocados
0.5 tbsp lemon juice (plus a little extra depending on taste)
1 small clove garlic
Salt, black pepper, chilli flakes
Tortilla Chips ( ensure they are gluten-free) to serve




  • Cut the avocados in half, remove the stone (put it to one side, don't throw it away) and scoop out the flesh onto a large plate
  • Use the lemon juice to cover the avocado flesh
  • Crush the garlic using a crusher (or chop it very finely), and place on top of avocados
  • Grind some salt and black pepper over the top and add as many chilli flakes as you dare
  • Using the back of a fork mash it all up together. I like to leave mine quite lumpy, but you mash as you see fit
  • Sample and adjust the seasoning to taste
  • Serve with tortilla chips
© Pig in the Kitchen 2007

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8 comments:

beta mum said...

We have more molehills than grass in our garden in France - but there's no chance we can kill the little critters.
When we sprayed the four abreast parade of ants marching trhough the kitchen, our daughter sobbed at the thought of their untimely deaths.
We've been advised to bury bottles in the ground with enough of the neck sticking up to make a flute-like sound.
Apparently it sends the moles next door, as they don't like flutes.

Drunk Mummy said...

Pig, it sounds like your husband is the Bill Murray character in Caddyshack, who wages war on the gopher! What is it about men and their lawns?

dulwichmum said...

Dear PITK,

I was thinking the exact same thing as Drunk Mummy! Is it because I would like to think I am as bright as she is? Or is it because I am drunk?

What is it with men and their lawns?

Stay at home dad said...

I don't give a toss about my lawn. But I am a sahd.

Very funny! (Mainly at your hubby's expense of course).

I have a problem with moles, but not that sort.

Rgds,

Sahd

Pig in the Kitchen said...

Beta mum, top tip about the bottles, it made my husband giggle, so hopefully he will try that!

Drunk Mummy, I don't understand men and the lawns thing. He used to work away all week when the kids were even younger, at the end of the week the house would look as if we'd been burgled, but he'd walk in, survey the scene and say, 'grass needs a cut'!

Dulwichmum, I think both you Mums, drunk and dulwich, are very bright!

SAHD, how refreshing that you do not have a lawn fetish. Watch your moles though...plenty of factor 50 I hope?!
Pigx

Lizzie said...

At least you get to have some decent topsoil to use where you will!

Pig in the Kitchen said...

A really good point Lizzie, I shall use that argument in the moles' defence! Thank-you for dropping by
Pigx

mutterings and meanderings said...

I love the toy mole - and I love guacamole too. Yum yum!

Don't they have professional molecatchers in France that you could hire?